I am in a huge funk. I want to lugubriously scream to my bones! I want one of those embryonic stem cell teams to inject me and help me grow new bone. OK. Enough ranting, time for the story.
It was 17 days ago. I set out for a 6-miler on an early Wednesday morning--with walking hoodie and all. 20 minutes into the walk my left knee was yanking at my chain and I was in pain. Since I was walking with someone I finished the walk as decorously as I could and thought I needed more stretching once I got home.
When I opened the door to my house all I could do was collapse onto the front chair in excruciating pain in the left knee. It was so intense that I had tears on my face--so rare an incident that I even surprised myself. This pain level 10 remained for for 3 entire days. I told Byron to go ahead and shoot me already. Canes and crutches were utilized to get around. I did not walk or exercise for 2 full weeks.
The very next day x'rays were taken at the doctors. Suspecting some kind of meniscus tear because the x'rays looked fine to the family practitioner and me. Made an arrangement to have an MRI the following Monday to rule out the dreaded avascular necrosis, AVN--meaning bone death (reason for my prosthetic hips) and the exact tear/s. I thought for sure the MRI would reveal a small tear and that was it.
Obviously I was NO prophet. By Wednesday the results came back. MRI results were OK--soft tissue irregularities but no tear. Literally two minutes later my doctor sent me the more in-depth results of the x'rays via e-mail after a radiologist looked at them more carefully. I have multiple bone infarcts and edema in both knees--AVN has been in both knees for quite a while. Little pieces of bone in the knees have died and an infarct per each fracture is the result of each micro-stub. The prior Wednesday's 6-miler must have giggled and triggered a break inside the left knee that such severe painful symptom occurred. Another little piece of bone had died that day. Another loss.
Now, like Monk always says, "Here's the thing."---"You mean I can't even go walking anymore?" I was brooding in sorrow and anger. I went into a funk. The difference between a funk and depression is simple to me. A funk is something one is entirely in control of and is also aware of and know that it is healthy for the heart to feel troubled and even broken. Time will heal most wounds--both physical and emotional. Depression is when one simply falls into it without realization (most of the time) and one is fighting to get out without success. I am not fighting to get out of my funk. I LET me grieve. I need to feel the loss and work it out so I can face myself, strategize a Plan B, and to accept my new reality.
I like my funks. I spoil myself with my funks. I need my funks. What do I for myself when I am in a funk? I do all the work that I am supposed to--teaching, choir directing, playing for church, going to all necessary meetings, cooking, washing, shopping, cleaning, self-hygiene, etc… The biggest difference is that I spend a great deal of time by myself--reading, resting, watching Youtube and Chinese soaps. And I give myself love and permission to do all that! I am licking my wounds.
Actually writing about it is a sure sign that the end of this funk is near--well, may be a couple of more weeks. So what made me realize I needed to end this funk? I joined a gym. My pavement is now Matrix TX-10 (fancy Nordic Track-type treadmill made by Matrix). The sliding mechanism is much easier on the knees. Actually I am supposed to wait 6 weeks for the bone to heal but since there is almost no pain (just a little twitch here and there) I decided to work out since my lupus pains had returned due to lack of endorphins.
Thanks to the years of listening to my athletic son, I am finally taking up weight-training and a little of body-building. This Walking Butterfly bravely stepped on the Matrix pavement 2 days ago and tracked 2 miles, then topped it off with 40 minutes of weight-training. Today the same routine. I intend to keep this up for a few months--every other day. Never looking back, my 6 or more miler days might be over, I am not sure at this moment. So I am going to get some muscle on them bones finally. Some day soon I won't have to listen to the medical assistants telling me, "If I were you, I'd get some more meat on them bones." every time they take my blood pressure with a pediatric apparatus, so annoying, really.
I realized this blog started out as a blog about my walking. I am still walking, yet there's more to just walking now. I am re-sculpturing my body in addition to walking. I hope to regain more strength in the knees by staying on the Matrix pavement longer and longer. Whatever and whenever that is going to happen to my knees will happen and I will probably be in another funk, possibly even in a bigger one because they will have to be replaced in the future. I am Ok with it. And I hope you are OK with it, too.
Wherever there is knowledge and hope, fear can never penetrate. I am still on top after 26 years of lupus. Not once have I stayed down--still in the ring!!!!
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