Walking on Modified Pavement….and a bit more

I have engaged myself in the past few weeks physically, mentally, and emotionally to a modified walking routine plus the new regimen of weight-training exercises.  All resulted as the knee MRI revealed avascular necrosis in both knees.  I was very disturbed to see image upon image the "black holes" in the bottom of both femurs on the MRI.  I no longer have words for news and images of this sort of my own body.  Numb is often the initial reaction.  And then there is this "forlornness" and deep sorrow for the losses I have yet to learn to accept.  

Nonetheless, there is also a rainbow after the storm.  We live in an area called South Natomas in Sacramento and there is a small but efficient work-out room in the South Natomas Community Center.  For $15 a month I can walk on their treadmills and use the weight machines all I want.  I used to be a member there when it was $5 a month--how inflation creeps up.  I joined this place because it is run by Sacramento City and Recreation and I know that the money I pay goes to the sustainability of my own city--instead of going to some huge profit-making, fancy gym.  Local is good.

Walking 30 minutes on Matrix Th3 model treadmill, with an incline of 15--the highest and  the pace of 3.5 to 4 miles a hour is optimal for me.  I start my work-out with the 30-minute walk.  And then there are 8 different weight-training and body building apparatus that I can use to build all the muscles on my body.  I usually do 3 sets of 10 on each.  There is also a abundant set of free weights--from 1 lbs to about 250 lbs, which I never touch.  After going through the body-building process I return to my Matrix pavement and walk another 30 minutes with the same intensity.  The total distance is usually around 3.7 miles per work-out.  I do this routine on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays--rain or shine.  Oh well, it really does not matter since I am indoors.

I dreaded this change in the beginning, not because of the money--for those of you know me you know how thrifty I am--and yes, $15 is still $15.  I joined because I ran out of options and alternatives.  Lupus pain returned with a vengeance and since I could no longer be on regular street pavement--the hardness and unevenness are not safe, I desperately needed another way of making endorphins.

I joined the beginning of February and since then I have met some very inspiring people/friends in the gym: a very young couple who have been working out a year and both lost 150 lbs each.  Speaking with them and sharing their pain in their lives help me cope.  I met a Pentecostal minister who single-handedly turned the room into a worship service while everyone is working out!!  I so enjoyed talking to a pair of retired-boxers who were in the Navy and went to Vietnam.  Their stories fill me with awe and are most intriguing.  Another patron and I share the same orthopod and he has 2 replaced knees and a replaced hip.  And then there is Fran.  The woman you do not want to mess with, under any circumstances.  I could go on.  

The common thread to all this is that human and social interactions are critical to ridding my gloominess and maintaining my well-being.  They give me perspective and purpose.  I want to see them and talk with them again as soon as I leave the joint.

This even surprised me because I LOVE to be alone.  I find that my work converts and forces me to be an "extrovert" and that when I come home, I am totally drained.  After teaching 5-7 students I am literally hollow.  I need retreat.  Fellowship is my strange bedfellow, especially when I work out, so I thought.

Thinking back to my childhood days when I was under the "control" of my 2 older brothers and other older cousins, I'd prefer to be alone so I would not do anything that would appear stupid.  And this has framed my temperament as well as my outlook on sociality.  "The smart one always just listens".

Tomorrow is my regular work-out day and I am wondering if they are not all going to be there!  Each person walks in to that little work-out room with an interesting story and dignity that I respect.  I have learned from the ex-boxers on weight machines and more proper stretching techniques.  They have also taught me how to hold my head and neck for proper sit-ups.  The preacher prayed for my illness and encourages me in every step to look to the Personal Savior for refuge.  Fran and I talk about just anything with an animation that surpasses winning a "presidential election".  The young couple really opened up yesterday and shared with me the horror of alcoholism they are enduring with their father.

These personal interactions are gems.  In my entire life I have only a handful of people with whom I share my life in totality.  And yet these "strangers" are so genuinely welcoming and they share openly their lives, their struggles, and their aspirations with me--no strings attached. 

I am grateful to them.  Lupus does not have to be the central point of my work-outs anymore, neither is my pain. I have found other kindred souls and I am in great company.  The rainbow is absolutely gorgeous at the moment!

Walking Interrupted…..in a funk

I am in a huge funk.  I want to lugubriously scream to my bones!  I want one of those embryonic stem cell teams to inject me and help me grow new bone.  OK.  Enough ranting, time for the story.

It was 17 days ago.  I set out for a 6-miler on an early Wednesday morning--with walking hoodie and all.  20 minutes into the walk my left knee was yanking at my chain and I was in pain.  Since I was walking with someone I finished the walk as decorously as I could and thought I needed more stretching once I got home.

When I opened the door to my house all I could do was collapse onto the front chair in excruciating pain in the left knee.  It was so intense that I had tears on my face--so rare an incident that I even surprised myself.  This pain level 10 remained for for 3 entire days.  I told Byron to go ahead and shoot me already.  Canes and crutches were utilized to get around.  I did not walk or exercise for 2 full weeks.

The very next day x'rays were taken at the doctors.  Suspecting some kind of meniscus tear because the x'rays looked fine to the family practitioner and me.  Made an arrangement to have an MRI the following Monday to rule out the dreaded avascular necrosis, AVN--meaning bone death (reason for my prosthetic hips) and the exact tear/s.  I thought for sure the MRI would reveal a small tear and that was it.

Obviously I was NO prophet.  By Wednesday the results came back.  MRI results were OK--soft tissue irregularities but no tear.  Literally two minutes later my doctor sent me the more in-depth results of the x'rays via e-mail after a radiologist looked at them more carefully.  I have multiple bone infarcts and edema in both knees--AVN has been in both knees for quite a while.  Little pieces of bone in the knees have died and an infarct per each fracture is the result of each micro-stub.  The prior Wednesday's 6-miler must have giggled and triggered a break inside the left knee that such severe painful symptom occurred.  Another little piece of bone had died that day.  Another loss.

Now, like Monk always says, "Here's the thing."---"You mean I can't even go walking anymore?"  I was brooding in sorrow and anger.  I went into a funk.  The difference between a funk and depression is simple to me.  A funk is something one is entirely in control of and is also aware of and know that it is healthy for the heart to feel troubled and even broken.  Time will heal most wounds--both physical and emotional.  Depression is when one simply falls into it without realization (most of the time) and one is fighting to get out without success.  I am not fighting to get out of my funk.  I LET me grieve.  I need to feel the loss and work it out so I can face myself, strategize a Plan B, and to accept my new reality.

I like my funks.  I spoil myself with my funks.  I need my funks.  What do I for myself when I am in a funk?  I do all the work that I am supposed to--teaching, choir directing, playing for church, going to all necessary meetings, cooking, washing, shopping, cleaning, self-hygiene, etc… The biggest difference is that I spend a great deal of time by myself--reading, resting, watching Youtube and Chinese soaps.  And I give myself love and permission to do all that!  I am licking my wounds.

Actually writing about it is a sure sign that the end of this funk is near--well, may be a couple of more weeks.  So what made me realize I needed to end this funk?  I joined a gym.  My pavement is now Matrix TX-10 (fancy Nordic Track-type treadmill made by Matrix).  The sliding mechanism is much easier on the knees.  Actually I am supposed to wait 6 weeks for the bone to heal but since there is almost no pain (just a little twitch here and there) I decided to work out since my lupus pains had returned due to lack of endorphins.

Thanks to the years of listening to my athletic son, I am finally taking up weight-training and a little of body-building.  This Walking Butterfly bravely stepped on the Matrix pavement 2 days ago and tracked 2 miles, then topped it off with 40 minutes of weight-training.  Today the same routine.  I intend to keep this up for a few months--every other day.  Never looking back, my 6 or more miler days might be over, I am not sure at this moment.  So I am going to get some muscle on them bones finally.  Some day soon I won't have to listen to the medical assistants telling me, "If I were you, I'd get some more meat on them bones." every time they take my blood pressure with a pediatric apparatus, so annoying, really.

I realized this blog started out as a blog about my walking.  I am still walking, yet there's more to just walking now.  I am re-sculpturing my body in addition to walking.  I hope to regain more strength in the knees by staying on the Matrix pavement longer and longer.  Whatever and whenever that is going to happen to my knees will happen and I will probably be in another funk, possibly even in a bigger one because they will have to be replaced in the future.  I am Ok with it.  And I hope you are OK with it, too.

Wherever there is knowledge and hope, fear can never penetrate. I am still on top after 26 years of lupus.  Not once have I stayed down--still in the ring!!!!